Here you can see an example of a student’s submitted IELTS Task 2 Essay. First, you will see the grammar corrections and notes. Then you will see a suggestion of how to improve the essay for a higher band grade.
Task Question
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single.
Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Student Answer (With Grammar Corrections)
Nowadays employers can ask for personal information from people applying for jobs. Some people think that the sharing of this [1] information may be useful, others disagree.[2]
On one hand, we have people saying that sharing personal information with an employer during an interview[3] may be valuable.[4]
Employers need [5] to know about hobbies, interests, marriages of the person that is doing the interview. For instance, it is a date matter of fact that single people are more productive in their job than married people. A person that lives in a family has a lot of stress and bringing it to the workplace may cause a concentration’s decrease. In addition, the knowledge of the hobbies or interests of a candidate could be precious[6]. For example, if you are an employer, would you ever take a person who does goes to parties every night and comes to work half asleep, only because they are his hobbies?[7]
However, On the other hand [8] we have people who say that sharing personal information is not useful and irrelevant. Why would you need to tell to a stranger about your private life? Sharing this kind of information is useless. For instance, a guy who likes art will be as productive as a guy who likes sports. Therefore these this information are is irrelevant so questions regarding private life should not be asked in an interview.
To conclude, here we have two opinions which where one is the opposite of the other[9]. However I feel to I agree with those people who say that employers should ask for personal info because it may be helpful and relevant for a future productive purpose.
[Word Count: 262]
Quick Notes
[1] ‘Information’ is uncountable
[2] The introduction is quite similar to the question
[3] The question is not only about interviews
[4] The structure of your paragraphs is great
[5] You should show that this is an opinion (See example)
[6] Precious is inappropriate for this point
[7] Asking the reader their opinion is not necessary
[8] You do not need to use both ‘however’ and ‘on the other hand’ together
[9] Try and make your conclusion specific to the essay
Suggested Improvements / Model Answer
Nowadays, employers can ask for personal information from people applying for jobs. Some people think that the sharing of this information may benefit both the employee and employer in the long run, while others think it is an invasion of privacy.
On one hand, we have people saying that sharing personal information with an employer during an interview may be valuable. If employers know about a potential employee’s hobbies, interests and marital status for example they might be better able to know if that person is suitable for the position. Furthermore, it is also argued that single people are more productive in their job than married people. A person who has a family might experience a lot of stress and bringing it to the workplace may affect their colleagues. In addition, the knowledge of of a candidate’s hobbies or interests could be incredibly useful. For example, an employee with creative hobbies might be encouraged to take on responsibilities requiring creativity in the future.
On the other hand, there are also people who say that sharing personal information is private and not useful. Sharing this kind of information might be considered an invasion of their privacy, believing that work and home life should be kept seperate. Perhaps the way a person behaves in their social life, would not accurately represent the way they will behave at work. Based on this, personal information would be irrelevant and so questions regarding private life should not be asked in a interview.
To conclude, it is clear that there are arguments for and against the concept of sharing private information when applying for a job. I feel I agree with those people who say that employers should ask for personal info because it may be helpful and relevant for a future productive purpose.
[Word Count: 298]
Remember!
The essay in IELTS Writing Task 2 tests your ability to discuss a given formal topic in a balanced way, with relevant ideas and examples. There are many correct ways to write an essay like this. This is just one possibility.
